My unfiltered thoughts about everything.
When I wake up these days, I seem to hear that Talking Heads Song, “Once In A Lifetime”, bouncing around my head. It’s the cluelessness of my quarter life mind working out its demons. I always looked at adulthood with such curious wonder as a child, almost like peeking through a toy store display window. Now, some days, I wanna find the kid looking in, and I wanna scream “stay the hell away”. I’m trying to tell him its okay to hold on to that moment. That kid, whomever he is, takes for granted the utopian wonder of innocence, the invincibility of childhood. I remember not having to have a reason for doing something. Kids get away with that. Adulthood is all about deliberation, that is, needing to have a reason.
I find myself openly discussing these things now, whereas before, it was an inner dialogue. The other night, I found myself sitting at a bar, celebrating my friends birthday. Everyone else was lost in the atmosphere, trying to forget the seriousness of life. We took the moment, as good friends do from time to time, and acknowledged what we’re staring down as dudes in our mid-twenties. There’s relationships and careers to manage, people to love and learn from. There are questions about the longevity of existence, about the shortness. You wonder if you’re living up to the potential that you could be. You want to think you’re getting somewhere. You sometimes feel like you are, then you don’t. Sometimes, it seems like you haven’t learned anything. We discussed that we’re in the same boat here lately. We’ve come to a moment where its imperative that we find out what we’re made of, what we can offer the world at large before our time is up. If we’re there respectively now, I think I’ve been there for a minute.
I graduated college, got married, took a “soul searching” journey to the desert, lived out a bit of romantic escapism, came to whatever conclusion John Mellencamp did on “Small Town”, and drug my ass home. Now its all kind of rising to the top, all these existential questions and the reality of ambitions, life, sex and having kids, getting old, dying, etc. All this stuff piles on and I feel like I’m in a Judd Apatow movie. Suddenly songs, like John Mayer’s “No Such Thing” or “Solsbury Hill” by Peter Gabriel, start describing my day to day existence, stuff I’ve been listening to since I was fifteen. I rewind movies now so I can hear dialogue that impacts me, words I’ve heard all my life. I listen to Quints dialogue in Jaws like I’m poring over sanskrit. It’s just now starting to make sense.
What I can tell you of the sense I make is that I’m generally very happy. My wife is a miracle. She puts up with my eccentric quirks and helps make this transition all the more easy. My love of theology and my own faith are guideposts in sub conscious ways, in a comforting sense. I have a good family, and a sense of pride in that family. But I am still twenty five, a month off twenty six, looking to accomplish the impossible, to do great things in the course of a lifetime. Dreams are not a cliche’. They’re not just petty motivational tools. We all find, at any age, that there mountains to scale, deserts we’d love to say we crossed. We’re all convinced we can do something worthy of a legacy. Some of us know we will. I like to think I could. And it’s daunting, as I’m sure it is for a lot of you reading this. I’m thinking it would be wise to save some time for dreaming.