My unfiltered thoughts about everything.
Something to chew on:
Someone told me one time that there is an understanding that comes with age, a sort of all encompassing relief from the mysteries of life. That isn’t to say someone lifts a veil and you get a peek into the machine. It just means you come to place where you don’t have to know everything, where something as simple as the wind can be a revelation all its own. To notice something as arbitrary as the wind, you have to be quiet, still enough that the world at large is moving almost in spite of you. That quiet you attain is one of life’s brilliant little miracles. But before you can find that peace of mind, there’s some purging to be done within the respite of your own consciousness.
The quiet moments in life, those when you’re alone with your thoughts, I’ve been told, by the same wise source, are the pivotal instances where you discover who you really are. There’s no appearance to keep up, no well of knowledge to lean on, just you and everything you are afraid of, sharing the moment like a beer. And its inside these revelations, you might find you’ve left something unfinished, or that you’ve simply neglected to live up to proper expectations. The silence, in its own ethereal way, knows how to convict you.
That’s why I find the time, as often as I can manage, to get lost in my head a little. I drive around town, under cover of night, and I listen to myself. I go over where I’m at, where I need to be, different from where I want to be, and I take into account all of the things I’ve learned along the way. Some of the time, I find I’m doing something in my life that isn’t fruitful in terms of forward movement. If that’s the case, I put it to bed, right there in the car. Other times, I might realize I don’t hug people enough, or that I don’t put others before myself. It’s things like this I couldn’t grasp if I didn’t give myself the proper time.
And its a daily battle, pressing on towards that time when I’m not as concerned with comprehending it all, when things like the wind are enough to make me ponder the important aspects of who I’m meant to be. I dream of getting there, to that place where coffee is the answer to a world of problems, where a good dirty joke can help you adjust to the lay of the land. I’m working this one out on my terms. The truth is, I may never get to the kind of positive indifference I’m seeking…..but at least I tried.